Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
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sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Moms. The original autocorrect.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.