Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
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Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan