me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
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My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.