me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
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I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
wish me luck lads
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”