Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
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NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.