Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
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I get distracted pretty eas
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.