me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
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Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”