Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
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Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.