@WolfGangOfFour

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

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@causticbob

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

@calvinstowell

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

@WheelTod

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

@EndhooS

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

@SCbchbum

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

@MoistPork

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

@IngestMyBabies

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

@brettminor

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

@crunchenhanced

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.