my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
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Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.