@causticbob my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
@WolfGangOfFour Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
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@causticbob 
@calvinstowell Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
@fillthevacuum Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
@WheelTod When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
@EndhooS 11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
@SCbchbum The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
@MoistPork My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
@IngestMyBabies If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
@brettminor What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
@crunchenhanced Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.