ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
When your parents check you’re ok.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.