Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about