ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
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3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose