@DrunksWithGuns

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

@dance_blessed

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

@LnL245

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

@UncleDuke1969

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

@Jake_Vig

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

@Havish_AF

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

@dafloydsta

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

@madcaplaughs30

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.