Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

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Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.


The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.


Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.


when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up


My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.


-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.


BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess


I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.