Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!