Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
describing stardew valley
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge