Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
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I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
🤭😂
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
The Sun
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.