Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
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Brother?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship