Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
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(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Who says great literature is dead?
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?