me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
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when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
“OMGJK” -atheists
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke