me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
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I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
can’t bark with your mouth full
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls