ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
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My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him