Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
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I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
john wicks are toilet candles
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away