Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

One of the best

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.