ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
You Might Also Like
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”