Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
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If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
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Sign at work today
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.