ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
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*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Breaking news:
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
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HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.