Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
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An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
wait.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
*cough*
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?