Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler