me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
You Might Also Like
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.