Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
You Might Also Like
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?