Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
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Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry