Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
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Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
#catsoftwitter
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭