I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
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I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.