me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
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Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport