Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
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*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.