@House_Feminist Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
@dragonsorbet Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
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@House_Feminist 
@ArfMeasures GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
@BuckyIsotope Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
@ScobeyWanKenobi Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
@JermHimselfish My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
@JohnLyonTweets I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
@rajandelman A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
@Dawn_M_ HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
@KyleMcDowell86 ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
@fro_vo ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane