Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Hilarious if literal: arms race
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.