Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
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My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.