Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”