Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
#ProTip
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”