Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
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All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Sending in my taxes
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!