Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
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my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.