Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
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ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.