@JimmerThatisAll You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
@shadonium Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
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@JimmerThatisAll 
@ChribHibble The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
@LizHackett It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
@OkieGirl405 Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
@SlabBaconBP Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
@curlycomedy The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
@clichedout genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
@DominicCaruso1 Hit me in the face with a bird
@GrowlyGrego [doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
@Just__J0 [Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?