me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
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Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Attacked by a mop.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.