Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
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You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato