me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
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There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”