me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.