me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
You Might Also Like
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this