me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
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Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
waiting for halloween be like:
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.