me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
You Might Also Like
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
this chia pet tastes awful
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…