Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
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Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Lmaoo 😂
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”