Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
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Bloody internet 😳
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.