me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
You Might Also Like
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.