Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
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Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Cannot stop laughing at this
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Gods work.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]